Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Does boxed wine and camel crushes signify a college date? Lets hope so
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
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