Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
