i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
