Had sex with the ex last night. Regretting to begin in 5, 4, 3, 2, 1... WHYYYYYYYYYY!
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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