Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
First Thanksgiving as a grown up: My step dad had to take my brother (who still smells like booze) and I both to our cars this morning, apparently we were at the same bars (same stamps), & I think I broke my elbow. Im thankful to be alive & not incarcerated.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
But I just had this pork p�t�. It was dick grabbing.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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