Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
that's just what I need...drunk ass people throwin hatchets in the dark.
i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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