he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
at FSU your more likely to get an STD than a parking spot
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.
complete strangers are now referring to me as 'the bourbon guy.' i can live with this.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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