my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
he'll be my respectable boyfriend for tksgiving and i'll be his non-slutty girlfriend for christmas.
and then ....
he stays my gay friend and my parents think i'm not a slut.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
Nah, he's definitely here somewhere. Whether he survived the night or not is your problem, but I'm pretty sure he's around.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
