Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
