I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I hate how she's getting mean with age
Meh, you can't hate. That's our basic life goal and you know it.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
Last 4 google searches: class c felony, scary ghosts, peanut butter jelly time, Lindsey lohans vagina
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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