if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
on of the only things i remember was the security guard told me i was too drunk for laser tag.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
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