Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
