It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?
i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Randomize
