The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
