hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I'm not sure what is worse, the fact that Hoffman doesn't sell vodka before 9am or that I was trying to buy vodka at 8:30am.
Dude my body has gone into shock from not eating frozen pizza and chips. I've been shitting like Richard Simmons after a night out of twerking in a corn field
I went to a community college and majored in Bad Decisions. I'm not exactly a chick magnet.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
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