i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
When dressing for a 3way, how do I convey to the other chick I care enough to look pretty but not so much that it's a huge deal?
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
