Blackout barefoot maybe pregnant
Good decisions....
Just got blue box Mac and cheese things are looking up
So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day
No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.
I'm so high. I'm going to need directions to get home.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
She called me at 2am crying because her late night booty call moved out of state
Randomize
