I'm going to rise like a phoenix out of the drunken, shameful ashes that were last weekend.
Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
