My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
Randomize
