I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.
It's been productive.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
