just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
What part of the grouping of the words "anal beads" confuses you?
Randomize
