Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Randomize
