Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
Theres a free llama on craigslist. Are you in or are you in?
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
