Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
He waved at a guy who drove by while we were having sex in the back of a rental car in a hospital parking garage prior to visiting family. Almost made me feel guilty but I liked it too much.
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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