I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
Also.. The Hobbit does not look like a cartoon. We were just too fucking high.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
Long story short I shit on a sidewalk while walking with multiple people. Then sprinted around the streets of Tallahassee in only gym shorts as I tore my toga off and wore it as a cape.
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
