what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I have mastered the art of having sex on monkey bars.
Randomize
