please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
No really tho I'm wearing a chucky cheese shirt and yoga pants. If that doesn't scream no sex idk what does
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
Your ex spoke highly of your penis and it’s skill. I’m interested in learning more about it ;-)
Randomize
