Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.
Are you drunk? Because I am and if you're not, this may be very awkward in the morning
Thats for me to know and you to find out.
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
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