In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
He woke up, got my bottle of water and poured it on me and then went back to sleep. Not really how I want to wake up at 2 a.m.
Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by
At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
