are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".
I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You're wearing a hospital gown and pearls. Let's reevaluate your life.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
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