Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later
I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar
I would never do this in real life. It's only college.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Just walk of shamed past a 5 year old on my way out of my booty call. He waved at me. Is this the single life I've been missing?
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
