What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
jut tell him gently that you'd rather spend more time with his dick than his face
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
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