even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
Just convinced a housekeeper at work to set up her 401k. Gotta start hittin the gb every morning before work. Happy 420
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
Randomize
