More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
But how will the next generation learn about life choices without a Jersery Shore?
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
Point in my hangover when I'm honestly not sure if I'm about to puke, or shit my pants.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Gotta go, there’s a chick at my door that wants to give me head
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