Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
We enjoyed our moment of partial gayness together
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
