Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
How do I say "I want to suck your balls" in a classy but sexy way,
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
Randomize
