i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Randomize
