Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
It's a "nonproductive" (vocab word) cough. It's like a constant tickle in my throat, like there's a little elf with feathers for feet going Gangnam style on my "uvula" (vocab word).
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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