At an apparent methhead hillbilly bar and was smiling for a pic when one toothless wonder screamed "look at all them teeth"!
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Don't have sex in a tent there are so many opportunities for infections
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
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