Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
There is nacho cheese and blood everywhere.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
I'm not allowed back because I may or may not have insulted his beer. And the entire Czech Republic.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
