A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
I've somehow found myself in an emotionally abusive relationship with a married man who gives me drugs.
My life is quickly turning into a Lifetime movie.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
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