I just threw up on my dentist
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
