A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
She called us while she was having sex to ask if we remembered to feed the cat
I dont understand how her boyfriend puts up with her weirdness
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
My philosophy is thug life and that means never having to say your sorry for stealing drinks off tables
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
