I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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