dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
Randomize
