Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Instead of a promise ring i got my clit peirced, its a promise that ill always give you ass! =]
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Randomize
