you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel
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