I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
he had a TATTOO on his FACE. a tattoo on your face basically says "i've gone as far in society as i'd like to."
My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
It's okay, big boobs are better than running.
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
Randomize
