I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
