Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...
ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha
he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
He's writing a strongly worded email to Trojan right now
I TOLD YOU THE BARESKIN CONDOMS WEREN'T AS RELIABLE.
As a 47 yo who just boned a 22 yo, it was definitely a walk of pride. She is a major feather in my aging cap.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
in the middle of telling this chick to sober up i was shotgunning beers. im gonna be ab awsome nurse.
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
Randomize
